Let's face it.  It's a busy world and it gets harder and harder each day to create a profitable religious cult, be the messiah as well as looking after the kids and washing the car on the weekend.
 
CULT MANAGER
is an exciting new concept in the religious fraud industry:
You've seen our clients, now join the team that made them household names!
Jonestown
Waco
Heaven's Gate
Scientology
Amway
For a mere 10% of gross turnover, we'll establish and maintain the infrastructure of a major credible cult, handle media management and even organise spectacular mass suicides (as an optional extra).
HOLY BENEFITS

 
Rolls-Royce hire for "congregation" meetings.
 
Airport surveillance and "warning off" of rival cult representatives
 
Spectacular media stunts (miracles are extra)
 
Discounted weapons hire for demonstration events
 
Explosives at reasonable prices
 
Exotic pharmaceutical products for your disciples (Cyanide a speciality)
 
Religious tracts created according to your chosen creed
 
Legal representation can be arranged if you would like the GOLD SERVICE OPTION of having your cult established as a government-recognised tax-deductible religion.
 
Contracting of semi-credible academic and Hollywood types to testify that they endorse only your faith.
 
Taxation management to establish and maintain secure trusts, havens, Swiss accounts to protect your "god-given" income.
 
Contracting of specialist composers to produce new-age musical mood music to enhance spiritual connectivity and financial contributions.
 
Traditional psalms available upon request.
 
Bible manufacture: outline your manifesto and our team of advertising executives will flesh it out to a convincing 100,000 word bible.  If you can't think of a manifesto, we'll invent one for you (for an extra fee).
 
Expert "historical research" to provide suggestions that your cult is at least 1000 years old, or even pre-dates Christianity (this is a GOLD SERVICE OPTION available for an extra fee)
 
Regular well-publicised and vitriolic attacks on established religions, political leaders and other sacred cows when your ratings slip below pre-determined levels
 
Media stunts available upon request
 
Logo design (sorry: the crucifix has already been reserved by another client but thousands of others remain.  Ask to see our Ikon Register)
 
Messiah creation.  We can create credible messiahs and prophets throughout history to reinforce the belief that your religion was coming.
What other organisation outside the Vatican* offers such professional support and credibility?
Note: do not apply for representation by our organisation if:
  • you really do believe you are either the messiah or a divinity
  • you plan to waste income on the poor, sick or hungry
  • you have a prior history of (financially unsuccessful) mental illness
  • you intend to declare religious wars on any other of our clients
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    "The Vatican", "The Pope" and "The Spanish Inquisitiion" are registered trademarks of the Roman Catholic Church, Pty Ltd.