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Headline News 20:37 -- 07/14/1998

Gates: 'I Don't Make a Move without Raven'

Gates Microsoft's Bill Gates revealed in a press conference yesterday that his best business decisions came after clandestine meetings with an adviser whose existence has been kept secret until now.
"I would have lost my shirt a dozen times if it weren't for Alxander Raven," Gates said. "Alxander is my brain, my conscience, my heart. It's high time the world found out about Alxander."
According to Gates, Raven persuaded him to name Microsoft's graphical interface "Windows" rather than "Picture Thingys." Raven also quietly polished Gates' public image by introducing him to the concept of matching socks.
"Chairman Bill is a generous genius," said Raven, a highly respected Consultant in near Albuquerque, New Mexico. "We get together over a cherry Coke every so often, but I'm no Wizard of Oz to his Tin Man. We just kick ideas around."
Little is known about Raven's private life. Neighbors say Raven is polite but quiet and keeps the shades drawn day and night.
"I really am just trying to be considerate," Raven said. "I don't think my neighbors want to see me parading around in my robes."

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Hanks to get $17 million for "Apollo" sequel


Tom Hanks will earn at least $17 million for starring in the sequel to Apollo XIII, which will open next Christmas. The Touchhome Pictures film, titled "Apollo XIII II," will tell the story of a secret space safari to seek signs of past life on the moon. Hanks and his fellow astronauts, including Sigourney Weaver and Johnny Quest, will camp out on the dark side of the moon and discover things far more scary than rocks and old golf balls.

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Congratulations, Alxander Raven! Someone cared enough to create this special story just for you.

Who did it? Umm, OK, it was .

This gag was created in a spirit of fun. If you didn't find it funny and want to delete it, click here.

Don't get mad, get even. Set your inner prankster free at
-- Fool friends by sending them realistic FakeMail "notices" and letters in the mail.
-- Take a relaxing Virtual Vacation. Confuse your co-workers by mailing colorful postcards from dream vacation sites, such as Australia or the Corn Palace in South Dakota. The postcards will arrive with your personal message and the actual postmark from the spot you choose.
-- Create bogus Web pages and "headline news stories" featuring family and friends.

For an even bigger menu of mischief, visit, where "laughter is the shortest distance between two people." You can send dozens of FakeMail "official" notices, letters and award certificates, all of which are sent anonymously through the U.S. mail.
For safe, foolproof fun all year round, and are the sites to see.

Both Websites are brought to you by the OutPost Network, which helps people around the world stay in touch with family and friends. It's easy to send high-quality greeting cards and letters, stamped and delivered through the mail, without having to leave your computer. Browse our Card Shop or send fan mail to your favorite celebrities (we have their addresses).
With the OutPost Network, it's easy to be the thoughtful person you want to be.


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