TOTAL QUALITY-MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.

In order to
better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will
be kept completely confidential.

 

1. How did you find out about your deity?

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
YESNO

If you checked "no," please indicate below which problems you initially encountered.
Please indicate all that apply:

Not eternal

Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

Not omniscient

Not omnipotent

Not infinitely plastic (i.e., is incapable of being all things to all entities)

Permits sex outside of marriage

Prohibits sex outside of marriage

Makes mistakes (e.g., George Bush; Michael Jackson)

Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

When beseeched, does not stay beseeched

Requires burnt offerings

Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.

Indoctrinated by parents

Needed a reason to live

Indoctrinated by society

Needed focus in whom to despise

Imaginary friend grew up

Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense

Wanted to meet girls/boys

Fear of death

Wanted to piss off parents

Needed a day away from work

Desperate need for certainty

Need to feel Morally Superior

Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

Shit was falling out of the sky

My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it

Other

5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before?
If so, which false god were
you fooled by?

Please check all that apply:

Mick Jagger
Cthulhu
Baal
The Almighty Dollar
Bill Gates
Left Wing Liberalism
The Radical Right
Ra
Beelzebub
Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
The Great Spirit
The Great Pumpkin
The Sun
The Moon
Elvis
Cindy Crawford
A burning shrub
Other:

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in additionto God?
Please check all that apply:

Tarot
Lottery
Astrology
Television
Fortune cookies
Ann Landers
Psychic Friends Network
Dianetics
Palmistry
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Self-help books
Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll
Biorhythms
Alcohol
Bill Clinton
Tea Leaves
EST
The Internet
Mantras
Jimmy Swaggert
Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
Human Sacrifice
Pyramids
Wandering around a desert
Insurance policies
Burning Shrubbery
Barney T.B.P.D.

7. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your deity's
handling of thefollowing:


(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

A. Disasters:

Floods

Earthquakes

Plagues

Pestilence

SPAM

AOL

B. Miracles:

rescues
spontaneous remissions

stars hovering over jerkwater towns

crying statues

water changing to wine

walking on water

VCRs that set their own clocks

Saddam Hussein still alive

Getting any sex whatsoever



The Lord thanks you for taking the time to help Us improve Our service to Our constituancy.

 

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